The following is the first entry I ever wrote in the teal and creme journal all these excerpts are contained in. The unsettling thing is that I don’t recall most of that day-including writing in or buying the journal. It wasn’t until three days later that I found it and wrote the response that started this all.
‘What am I doing? I am bringing everyone else down around me and hurting the ones I love and care about. This sucks. I don’t mean to make them feel this way. I relapsed today’
I wrote [the above] the day before my biggest wake up call. I don’t remember purchasing this notebook and pen (well I have a fuzzy recollection of it thanks to friends informing me of what went down) and I only vaguely can recall obtaining the knife I later used to apparently slit my wrists at the mall bathroom.
Two of my close friends took work off to come get me and take me back to their place for the night because I called them breaking down when I stepped out of the theatre-none of which I physically remember.
That day is splotchy and scattered, pieced together solely from what others told me.
I can’t remember that day because my anxiety peaked when Bryan and I met some friends at the mall to see the new Purge movie and I popped a Xanax.
I didn’t realize it at the time and no one else knew that I was blacking out on and off throughout that day.